Senin, 30 Oktober 2017

Saat kita

Kali ini aku ingin menuliskanmu dengan berbeda, bukan tentang seberapa menyedihkannya diriku saat tidak lagi bersamamu, tetapi tentang harapan yang masih tertinggal dalamku.

Aku sudah merencanakan kencan pertama kita, jika nanti ternyata kamu dan aku cukup beruntung mendapatkan kesempatan kedua.

Mungkin nanti kita bisa berbelanja buah di supermarket dekat rumah, saling mengendus mangga, mencari yang sekiranya tidak terlalu matang tapi juga tidak terlalu asam. Memasukkan apel, melon, hingga semangka pada keranjang kita. Mungkin nanti kamu yang memotong mereka di depan televisi sambil menyiapkan film yang kita suka, dan aku sedang berada di dapur, melelehkan dan mengaduk gula merah.

Bisa saja kita berkeliling kota, kemudian duduk manis pada bangku plastik di depan gerobak berisi jagung mentah dan arang membara. Saling bercanda sambil makan jagung bakar hingga bibir kita belepotan sambal dan mentega.

Atau kita akan berdebat sambil membolak-balikan daftar menu isian pada tenda martabak pinggir jalan, berdiskusi pula ingin makan di sini atau dibungkus saja. Kamu yang mencolek-colek lenganku sambil berkata, "Jangan lupa minta acarnya nambah," dan aku yang akan mengangguk-angguk sambil menjawab "Iya, iya."

Skenario dalam kepalaku tidak terbatas, selain merindukanmu, merancang kencan ialah hobi baruku.

"Bagaimana jika..." menjadi musuh utamaku saat memikirkanmu. Rencana-rencana seperti tidak berkesudahan jika menyangkut dirimu.

Semoga saja waktu itu segera tiba,
waktu di mana semua rencanaku dapat terlaksana,

saat
kita
beroleh
kesempatan
kedua.

Minggu, 29 Oktober 2017

Aku Masih

Aku masih berdiri di sini.

Aku tidak pernah bersembunyi. Tetapi entah mengapa, aku merasa bahwa eksistensiku tidak pernah disadari.

Barangkali kamu kira aku ini adalah delusi. Hanya sebatas bayang-bayang yang tak pernah pasti. Yang senantiasa kamu lewatkan tanpa sedikit pun peduli.

Mungkin saja sekarang kamu benar-benar lupa: bahwa dulu sekali kamu pernah berjanji. Sebuah janji yang tak pernah bisa membuatku beranjak pergi. Ikrar sederhana bahwa kamu tak akan membiarkanku sendiri.

Kamu ingkar janji, dan aku masih belum beralih dari sini.

Sabtu, 28 Oktober 2017

Kelak

Kelak bila kita berjumpa lagi, masihkah ingatanmu mengingatku dengan baik? Sekalipun aku berada di ingatan terburuk, tidak mengapa.

Aku tidak akan memaksa kamu harus melempar sebuah senyum padaku, atau berharap kamu akan menyapa, kita duduk berdua, lalu berbagi kisah yang sudah banyak terlewatkan, melupakan kenangan di hari lalu, menjadi kita di hari ini.

Sama sekali tidak,
namun jika kelak waktu sudi mempertemukan kita lagi, bolehkah aku bertanya satu hal?

Dulu ketika denganku, apakah kamu merasa bahagia?

Kamis, 12 Oktober 2017

[8 pieces of advice to give yourself at the age of 18]

[8 pieces of advice to give yourself at the age of 18]

At the age of 11, you learned that perfection does not always mean a flat tummy and a thigh gap. Go on and eat that second piece of cookie that you crave so much.

At the age of 12, you learned that just because you call her “mom” and him as “dad,” it doesn’t mean they inherently know how to be that. Also, suicide poison is not the cure for everything, it’s not a cure at all.

At the age of 13, you learned the difference between giving up and taking a rest. You might have given it your all but not make it. Remember to disregard everything that comes after but.

At the age of 14, you learned that standing up for everyone else does not mean that all of them will stand up for you when you need someone. Not one of them would be the first one to defend you, that spot is reserved for your name.

At the age of 15, you learned that people rarely mean what they say even if as a writer, you deem each and every word important. Learn to know the voices that speak sincerity and the voices that are just trying to get into your pants.

At the age of 16, you learned that letting go of people that only brings toxicity in your life is never a crime. Thinking about your own peace of mind does not make you selfish. Neither does placing yourself above that last number on your priority list.

At the age of 17, you learned that giving yourself to everyone willing could only lead to one thing: your own’s deterioration. Dear, you are more precious than someone who can’t even look into your eyes in the morning.

At the age of 18, you learned that loving and accepting yourself are two different things. Placing yourself in situations you are well aware of your self distraction is never loving yourself.

Where we're living

We're living in a world full of lies. We can’t trust people like we trust our own self. I mean, admit it, you can’t even trust yourself sometimes.

Your heart is fragile, same goes to your mind and soul. You will feel lost sometimes, but that’s okay. Just do what you want to do without trusting yourself or anyone.

Because in this world full of lies, there's no point in putting hopes on that special someone—hoping for her to turn her back at you. Trust me, she won't.

Because in this world full of lies, there's no point in putting trusts on that special friend—hoping for him to always have your back. Trust me, he won't.

Because in this world full of lies, there's no point in letting too many people in your life—hoping for them to walk beside you. Trust me, they won't.

So, in this world full of lies, go and take too many pictures, laugh until you jerk your back like there is no tomorrow, and love like you've never had your heart torn into pieces, because every sixty seconds you spent thinking about the ”what ifs“, is a minute of another chance wasted you'll never get back.



Not taking the risk or let it slip away from your hand? Your choice.

Rabu, 11 Oktober 2017

It is

it is crazy to realize that i felt all the comfort i could get when i was with you.

in days and midnights, from dusk till dawn, in every moment we could cherish together—i fell in too deep. i fell in love with the cheesiest thing you had done and of course with all the amazing things i had never expected to experience with you.

from every meet up we planned, the video and phone calls we did, until the most random messages we exchanged. i was holding on to that, i clinged to it like it was all a part of my life that i could not let go.

i enjoyed the warmth not only from our tight hugs, but also from your mature thoughts when we did an argument. i even enjoyed the coldness you gave to me by your presence, and from the words that you never meant to say to me but said it anyway.

all the laughters and tears, all the jokes and deep talks, all the problems and dreams, and the attentions we shared. it was never an awkward thing to do and say to you. comfortable is the only label i can use to describe all of our conversations.

it is crazy to realize that i could do literally anything with you, and we could talk about everything with each other;

except for love and how we feel (about each other).

Selasa, 10 Oktober 2017

Kau Tak Lain

Kau tak lain dari manifestasi jelita surgawi. Dunia memuja pesona bak bidadara dalam remang fana lunar, yang terwujud dalam rupa anak manusia; kau.

Setiap tuturmu adalah inkarnasi kemurnian hati yang tertuang pada vokal merdu, tak satupun di antaranya bernada sumbang. Meski masa mengikis asa hingga resah, pendar hangat netramu tak lekang oleh waktu—memikat setiap sukma sampai terlena. Tanpa sadar, aku sudah tenggelam dalam kirana kencana milikmu.

Sementara, aku adalah seorang manusia yang terperangkap dalam utopis dualitas. Perasaanku ini terlalu naif untuk disimpan dalam sebuah bandela. Tetapi, itu juga terlalu berbahaya—layaknya malapetaka—apabila dibuka dengan sengaja. Karena pasalnya, engkau adalah perfeksi alam semesta; dan aku tak lebih dari maru nirguna semata.

Apa yang bisa kulakukan? Melupakanmu itu adalah kemustahilan. Engkau telah mendominasi galaksi ini—sebagai bintang yang berpendaran. Engkau telah menjadi tirani bagi nagari ini—sebagai pemilik padmasana maha sempurna. Dan, engkau telah menjadi pilihan yang begitu sulit untuk kuhapuskan.

Kuselami bayangan pada cermin kristal di hadapan—tertawa getir pada realita yang tergulir. Aku tak perlu membalik carik-carik kitab klandestin untuk paham, bahwa bidadari dan makhluk berparas buruk senantiasa akan berada di lembar predestinasi berbeda.

Kutemukan fantommu yang nirmala serupa kukila palamarta yang tengah patah sayapnya. Dan juga sebuah harta ciptaan dewa yang terlarang untuk dibuka oleh makhluk fana. Sungguh, dari itu semua aku mengerti—engkau terlalu sempurna. Terlalu sempurna untukku.

Karena selamanya, aku hanyalah pungguk yang merindukan bulan.

Senin, 09 Oktober 2017

Apa memang seperti ini?

Apa memang seperti ini? 
Masa-masa pendekatan selalu terasa lebih menyenangkan
Kamu selalu punya cara agar bisa dekat dan berbicara denganku
Lalu aku pun berubah menjadi seperti remaja yang malu-malu menyapamu

Rasanya menyenangkan, dimiliki orang yang juga kita inginkan
Tapi seiring waktu berjalan
Datang masa-masa itu, kamu mulai bosan

Setelah merasa memiliki, kamu berubah menjadi orang yang tak lagi kukenali
Segala perhatian yang dulu ada, tak lagi kutemui
Hingga tiba waktu kamu meminta, jalan sendiri-sendiri
Sambil sama-sama koreksi diri

Kamu meminta jeda dan aku terpaksa untuk berkata iya Walaupun sebenarnya aku tak pernah rela
Yang tak aku mengerti, ternyata jeda bisa selama ini

Sekarang, aku tahu arti permintaanmu
Kamu hanya ingin berhenti mencintai aku
Kamu memilih mencoba hal yang sama dengan orang yang berbeda
Meninggalkan begitu saja tanpa peduli denganku dan perasaan yang masih kujaga

Seandainya kamu paham, cinta bukan untuk coba-coba
Hati bukan wahana permainan yang dengan mudah kamu tinggalkan jika kamu sudah bosan
Dan aku bukan tempat persinggahan sebelum akhirnya kamu melanjutkan petualangan.

Sudah

Sudah,
cukup aku,
yang rela memperjuangkan apapun untukmu,
yang rela melakukan segalanya hanya untuk kebahagiaanmu.

Cukup aku,
yang pandai menyimpan berbagai luka,
hanya karena melihatmu tertawa bahagia bersamanya.

Cukup aku,
yang tahu bagaimana rasanya dikecewakan setelah selama ini mengira akan diperjuangkan mati-matian.

Cukup aku,
yang selalu tersakiti.

Kamu,
cukup jaga diri,
jangan sampai ada yang tersakiti,
namun jika memang akhirnya kamu tersakiti, ku yakin, itu adalah ulah dari perbuatanmu sendiri.

Tolong,
perbaiki diri,
jangan sampai ada orang yang memperlakukanmu seperti kamu memperlakukan aku.

Kamu harus mengerti

Kamu harus mengerti bagaimana saya jatuh berkali-kali saat ingin mencoba pergi
Kamu harus mengerti bagaimana saya bergulat dengan hati yang seringkali tak patuh kemudian saya gagal kembali
Hingga saya bisa menuliskan semua tentangmu dengan biasa saja suatu hari nanti
Tanpa sesak dan airmata seperti yang saya alami saat ini

Ternyata, menyerah sangatlah tak mudah
Nyatanya semua rasa selalu berbalik padamu lagi
Saya pikir saya sudah berkemas dan berjalan jauh
Kenyataannya saya tak pernah kemana-mana

Kamu sudah mematahkan hati hingga remuk tak berbentuk
Jangan kamu pungut lagi lalu seolah memperbaiki
Kemudian saat saya benar percaya, kamu hancurkan untuk kali kedua, ketiga dan seterusnya

Jika sekarang saya benar pergi, tolong jangan pernah datang lagi
Sebab jika kali ini kamu patahkan kembali, saya tak tahu apakah perasaan ini akan hidup sekali lagi atau benar-benar mati.

Aku pernah bertanya

Aku tidak pernah mampu menghapus akun sosial mediaku, atau hanya sekadar mengganti nomor teleponku.

Ada hal-hal yang belum aku mengerti dari orang-orang yang suka bergonta-ganti akun pada aplikasi,

Mungkin mereka menikmati lari dan menghapus memori,
Mungkin itu cara mereka untuk berhenti menyakiti diri sendiri,
Mungkin juga mereka pergi agar dicari.

Aku pernah bertanya-tanya:

"Apakah mereka tidak merasa sayang kehilangan kontak-kontak orang yang mereka kenal?"

"Bukankah sulit mengumpulkan lagi teman-teman yang dulu dekat sekali?"

"Apakah mereka menganggap kontak-kontak itu tidak begitu berharga untuk dijaga?"

Setiap kali aku membuka suatu ruang obrolan, dan yang aku dapati hanya tersisa aku sendiri, aku selalu mengecek pengaturan profilku dua kali.

Berharap ia ingat atas jejak-jejak yang sengaja aku biarkan,
Berharap ia kembali mengirim permintaan pertemanan,

Berharap ia sekali lagi menghampiri.

Minggu, 08 Oktober 2017

Cukup

Sudah sedari awal seharusnya aku mengatakan cukup untukmu.

Cukup untuk tidak lagi datang pada butir butir ingatanku,
Cukup untuk tak membuat nafasku sesak oleh bayangmu,
Cukup untuk tak usah membuatku bertahan pada kondisi yang merapuhkanku,
Cukup agar jangan membuatku tak bisa lepas dari namamu,
Cukup dan tak perlu seolah kau ingin kembali merapatkan dekap padaku. Jika hal itu ialah caramu untuk membawaku pada sakit yang lalu. 

Cukup kumohon.

Biarkan tetes ini dengan sendirinya jatuh lalu hilang dan berkesudahan.
Biarkan sabarku ini kurawat atas apa yang telah kau lakukan.
Biarkan juga diriku perlahan terbiasa meski kutahu ini tak mudah.

Karena melepasmu aku bukan saja bejalar perihal merelakan, ada yang harus kubunuh pelan-pelan yaitu rindu yang kerap berhasil mematahkan tekadku untuk melupakan.v

Semoga

Semoga tidak kamu lagi yang ku lihat sebagai pembangkit ku ketika hari-hari aku terjatuh.

Semoga tidak kamu lagi yang ku harapkan dalam setiap doa yang aku panjatkan.

Semoga tidak kamu lagi yang selalu hadir di tiap jengkal ingatan ku.

Semoga tidak kamu lagi yang selalu kunanti sepanjang waktu.

Semoga tidak kamu lagi.

Semoga.

Bukankah?

Bukankah semua hati pasti memiliki seseorang yang akan selalu ia cinta, ia rindu dan ia tangisi? 

Bukankah semua jiwa pasti memiliki seseorang yang akan selalu melintas dalam pikirannya tanpa ia minta? 

Bukankah semua raga pasti pernah terduduk dan merenung tentang seseorang yang sudah lama tak lagi menjadi sandarannya? 

Bukankah setiap tangan pernah tanpa sengaja menulis tentang seseorang yang pernah tergenggam untuk menemani hari?

Bukankah angin pernah seraya berhembus untuk membawa dan mengingatkan seseorang tentang aroma yang sudah tidak lagi berada dalam harinya? 

Bukankah pernah dalam suatu ruang yang berisi seribu sosok manusia, namun mata hanya ingin melihat sesosok yang telah lama menghilang tenggelam oleh waktu? 

Karena bagi beberapa orang, 
akan selalu ada cinta yang tersisa
pada setiap kalimat akan hatinya yang telah hancur menjadi kepingan ilusi.
Akan selalu ada cinta yang tersisa
pada setiap kalimat "aku sudah tidak mencintainya."

Akan selalu ada cinta yang tersisa
kepada dirinya yang pernah meninggalkan ruam dalam dada dan sesak dalam rasa.

Akan selalu ada cinta yang tersisa
karena ia pernah benar-benar mencinta.

Sabtu, 07 Oktober 2017

Never

“Never in my life do I wanna fall in love with someone when I’m at my worst or when I’m having a hard time. I want to fall in love with someone when I am at my best. When everything else is sorted and beautiful, when I’m happy in my own skin, when I have a stable job, when I’m in love with myself. I never want to fall in love with someone when I’m broken and full of despair, or when the pain is filled up to the brim. I don’t want to fall in love with someone when my feet aren’t stable or my shoulders aren’t capable. I want to look at someone, on a random street and feel the connection. The spark that strikes your heart and you fall in love with the way they are. I want to be able to love someone or find someone to do so when my life is settled and balanced. When I’m successful and when I’m not drowning in agony. I want my love to be real and pure and not just an escape from my loneliness, and definitely not a remedy to my pain. I want to fall in love with someone because of what they are and not because of what I am not.”

You What?

“You say I am the best you’ve ever had, but neither of us care to admit I am also the best you’ll never be able to keep. I am a furious, windstruck storm of a human being, with passion bordering on madness and romanticism bordering on obsession. My kisses are the only part of myself your lips can fathom, and your hands cannot even touch my body without your fingers staining from all the storms that rage within me.

You seem to love the type of women whose eyes are serene and bright as the summer days they spend with you, who are beautiful and competent in the ways the world is only to happy to accept. They love with lukewarm tenderness and just a hint of arrogance only a life of privilege can bring- they hurt you, perhaps, but never amaze you, and the height of their unpredictability will end in a drunk car ride home that tastes almost as common as the whiskey you drink to forget them. But forgotten they will soon become, and there are many, many, women who will share the shade of their eyes and the nature of their well contained laughs. They will take months from you, tears from you, and sobriety from you temporarily, but never anything deeper. 

You do not understand the ways, then, in which women like me love. I will take the speck of honey brown from your eyes, the warmth of your skin, and the movement of your hips and hold them closer than you pull me, for I do not know what it means to feel without completion. To love, to feel, to touch without giving all of myself is a foreign concept I have no desire to become acquainted with, and I am sorry, but the only compensation I accept is everything you cannot give in fear it will destroy you. I will love you with all I have to offer, all of my madness and wild hair and sweet laughter and crooked teeth, and while there could be paradise between us, I offer no promises about what we will take from each other. Does that frighten you? It should. The truth is I am as full of destruction as I am affection. 

You crave the sensation of me on top of you, but you do not understand me. Do not be fooled by the kindness in my eyes or the softness of my skin—I am a multitude of miraculous tragedies dressed in art. And as much as I want to love you and spread the deepest parts of myself over you like the tides on a coastal shore, I know you cannot love me in the way I demand to be loved. You are too accustomed to the idea of affection with no lasting consequence, and so you cannot possibly have enough to give without leaving me at least partly empty. I am someone full of presence, and any absence you leave will leave me bare.

Bosan Perih

Singkat kata, aku marah. 

Aku menulis ini bukanlah atas nama cinta dan air mata. Aku menulis kali ini atas nama amarah yang membelenggu dan membuat lidah kelu selepas semalaman bermimpi tentangmu. Aku menulis tetek bengek ini demi membentak diri sendiri yang setelah sekian lama masih menggenggam sayang dalam jemari. 

Sekarang ini, aku lelah. 

Sempat aku romantisasi caraku mencinta yang tak tahu waktu dan tak paham sakit. Nyatanya, kini tiba waktunya aku mengutuk kesetiaan tanpa dasar dan menyumpahi sayang yang bertahan. Persetan dengan diriku yang tak tahu diri menyayangimu dari jauh; tanpa harapan, tanpa tujuan. Persetan dengan alam bawah sadarku yang kerap mengingatkanku akan dirimu dan kemustahilan angan; kita yang bersama dan bahagia. Persetan juga dengan asaku yang diam-diam terus memupuk benih harapan yang masih hidup.

Ah, sudahlah. 

Biarkan aku marah dan terdiam, berusaha membunuh rasa dan menata hati baik-baik. Biarkan aku yang berjuang untuk berhenti demi kamu yang tak tahu menahu. Biarkan aku menahan diri saja dan berdoa agar kamu terus bahagia.

Jumat, 06 Oktober 2017

I'm Scared

1. I’m scared. I’m scared that everything I felt for you will never go away and I’m scared that I made our love story up in my head. I know I’m a bit of an exaggerater and I like the pain, but I’m sick of waking up to a bloody mouth every morning. I can’t stop biting my tongue in my sleep, but it’s the only way to keep me from screaming your name in the middle of the night.

2. I take every chance I get to wish for your name to pop up on my phone. But I wish for a lot more than just that. I wish I would have answered your call. I wish I would have asked you to lay down with me. I wish you wouldn’t have left. 

3. I’m suffocating in my own skin. I can’t breathe without feeling your hand on my cheek, your lips on mine, your head on my shoulder. They say it takes two weeks for your skin cells to replace themselves, but it’s been two months and I can still feel you. 

4. Sometimes I think that if I had seen you one more time, things would be different. Maybe I’d be falling asleep to the sound of your voice on the phone instead of choking on my tears. Maybe I’d be sneaking out to kiss you goodnight instead of sneaking out to kiss a stranger so I could forget you. Maybe you wouldn’t have left.”

Senja

Senja tak lagi mengingatkan pada kita. Hujan tak lagi membawa kenangan. Gerimis tak lagi membuat hati teriris. Pelangi tak lagi merobek seluruh isi hati. Petir tak lagi mengingatkan pada malam yg getir. Ombak tak lagi bergerak memerintah otak. Bau tanah tak lagi mengingatkan pada tawa renyah. Batu tak lagi mengajarkan mengenai pilu. Pasir tak lagi membuat hati berdesir.

Seluruh isi semesta sudah tak membuat gema.

Karena aku sudah pergi, berlari ke tempat sepi sunyi diujung dimensi.Karena kamu sudah tiada, selepas semesta dengan kejamnya memisahkan kita.

Karena kita terlalu naif untuk memahami tanda-tanda dari semesta; bahwa kita bukan sepasang. Sehingga kita jatuh terlalu jauh, terpelosok hingga langkah terseok. Hingga kita sekarat dan masih saling menyalahkan siapa diantara kita yg paling bangsat. Saling menuduh tentang siapa yg berusaha untuk acuh. Saling bercerita mencari seorang yg mengiyakan keputusan kita.

Ketahuilah, Sayang. Waktu kita terbuang karena saling menyalahkan. Kita telah terlempar jauh dan menghilang dari peradaban. Kita hilang dan seluruh umat tetap saja tenang. Kita tak berarti di dunia ini, kenapa kita tak saling introspeksi? Tidak. Karena kita penganut aliran gengsi. Kita diusir dari bumi.

Kita, musnah.

Kamis, 05 Oktober 2017

Jikalau

Jikalau kamu bertanya bagaimana kabarku, maka sama:
aku yang belum mampu pergi
dan masih saja sendiri, 
tengah menyimpan banyak rindu padamu.

Jikalau kamu bertanya bagaimana keadaanku, maka sederhana saja:
aku masih mencintaimu,
setelah sekian lama berlalu,
dan masih memutar ulang kenangan-kenangan dahulu.

Maaf.

Tetapi,
bukan mauku
untuk terus mengingatmu.

Hanya saja,
ternyata untuk melupakanmu,
seperti mengingat seseorang,
yang tak pernah kukenal.

Rabu, 04 Oktober 2017

Apakah Kita?

Apakah kita akan tetap seperti ini?
Saling menjauh hingga tak saling sapa lagi,
menunggu siapa terlebih dulu menghubungi. Entah aku atau kau—kita hanya bisa bertanya dalam hati.

Apakah kita akan tetap seperti ini?
Bersikap seolah olah baik-baik saja
namun keadaan hati tak mengatakan aku bahagianya. Aku hanya menyembunyikan luka di saat seharusnya semua hal harus kuterima.

Apakah kita akan tetap seperti ini?
Kita yang asing dengan cara masing-masing,
kita yang mencoba melupa saat perasaan mengatakan kita tak benar-benar tega.

Apakah kita akan tetap seperti ini?
Sampai akhirnya kita tak lagi saling peduli,
tidak lagi saling mencari,
hingga kita lupa pernah saling mencintai.

Kau yang pergi,
aku yang merapikan hati.

Selasa, 03 Oktober 2017

It's Worse

It's worse at night. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot when you love someone and they take that for granted. It hurts when they use your insecurities against you. It hurts when they become a person you don’t even recognize anymore. 

It makes you feel lonely. They were your best friend, your everything. Their family was your family, but now they are gone too. You feel the hole that they have left like it was an actual wound in your chest. 

It makes you question yourself. Was this the right decision? Were you just being over dramatic? Did you convince yourself that you are stronger than you actually are? Can you do this?

It makes you want to do something stupid. Like date other people and flirt and pretend like you are whole when in reality half of you is still in the palms of their hands. Like get drunk and cry and wish you hadn’t left them even though they were tearing you apart from the inside. Like want to call them and take them back. 

It’s worse at night. When everyone is asleep, but you haven’t been able to close your eyes before 4am since it happened. When it’s quiet, and you can’t distract yourself and pretend and smile in front of your friends and family and say “It was the right thing to do. I’m moving on.” 

It’s worse at night because no one is there to hold you when you cry. And if someone was there it wasn’t them. It’s worse at night because the dark hides your shame and guilt as you pull out the letters and the gifts and the pictures—god, the pictures—and try to tell yourself that this was a different time, a different person. 

It’s worse at night because you look at their social media. Their twitter, Facebook, anything you can get your hands on that tells you they are hurting as badly as you are. It’s worse at night when you instead find pictures of them smiling and living and you’re still sitting on the couch crying until you’re numb inside.
It’s worse all the time because it’s not with them. Because you can’t go back even though you want to so badly. Because you aren’t the same person anymore either and it’s because of them. It’s worse because you’re broken and bleeding and the bandaids of “it will get better” do nothing to stop it. 

It’s worse because you can’t fucking move on.

Senin, 02 Oktober 2017

For the love I have always craved long ago

i.
For the love I have always craved long ago, he came and gave me the warmth like no one ever did. I thought that was what I deserved when I actually deserved more.

ii.
He played me like I had strings knotted to the whole of my body; like puppet shows. I even thought that if he broke my spine I would still fall onto his direction. He tattooed every inch of my vulnerable skin with the plots of his temporary madness.

iii.
It started off from my lips and went down steadily. I thought it was love until he stripped me bare and gutted my insides with what should've been a device of sacred rite.

iv.
Now every slash on my scar-donned wrist shows how I try to erase the memory of his hands on me. Facing the mirror equals to facing pieces of him; I start to imagine that every evil in existence takes his shape; tainting the innocent, breaking down the toughest walls, then razing the insides and permanently leaving marks of what lust could do to someone.

v.
Now every guy I glance at reminds me of him. How he looked, how he acted; all sweet and caring—in short, all those layers of mask he wore. I attempt many other chances at love yet they do nothing but shatter me further.

vi.
I'm sure I've tried to bury every piece of his remains. I did, or so thought I did.

I thought I had buried them

d
    e
 e
     p
        inside of myself—in the back of my mind, between the subconscious and unconscious layers that they started affecting me more than I thought possible. Bit by bit, my spontaneous acts show how they were carved like an utterly messed up mosaic.

vii.
I'm really aware that what he did to me stops me from moving. He tucked me somewhere between his fingers, holding me inside his grasp, imprisoning me. No matter how far I try to run, it will feel like he is inches behind to make sure I won't slip away.

viii.
Now broken down and totally fucked up, I'm still trying to gather the fallen pieces of myself
in every guy I've met,
every failed relationship attempt,
in the love which I've lost my trust in. All of these caused by his filthy deeds.

For every pair of eye I've ever glimpsed at, I keep fearing that other guys
are
just
like
him.

Minggu, 01 Oktober 2017

What if we hadn’t met?

“What if we hadn’t met? 

Do you think we would’ve been better off? 

I’d probably be peacefully sleeping instead of constantly thinking about you. I wouldn’t be thinking about your smile and how I desperately wished I could see it one last time. I wouldn’t be reminiscing how good we were once upon a time. And I certainly wouldn’t be missing you. I’d be happy because I wouldn’t be burdened with the thoughts of you holding someone else in your arms, someone who isn’t me. If I hadn’t met you, I would possibly still have had thought I was good enough, that I deserved happiness and I would find someone who’d give it to me. 

And you, well you wouldn’t be so bitter towards me for starters. Maybe, you would’ve found someone who treated you the way you deserved to be treated from the start and you would’ve never wasted a year of your life on something so pointless. You would’ve always been happy.
Imagine. What if the day you saw something in me in that room, I wasn’t there for something to be seen? And the day you decided to message me, I didn’t reply for us to talk for countless of hours? And after all those days of you telling me you loved me, I never ever said it back? Wouldn’t we have saved each other from all this pain? 

What if we had never met?”


But, we did.

Sabtu, 30 September 2017

Hardest Satnight in My Entire Life

I want you to know that it is not always easy to love me. In fact, it’s probably never easy to love me. Not even for a second, I’m hard to love.

Cause sometimes my heart fills with so much emptiness that it’s hard to breath. And sometimes my mind wanders out to the extreme and brings back emotions I thought would be gone.

My point is I’m not easy to love, and if you can’t love me when I don’t talk to you for three days because I’m just so depressed that getting out of bed is hard then you are not fit to love me. If you can’t love me when I’m warm and happy at 2 pm then you can’t love me when I’m cold and harsh at 4 am. I need a lover who knows how to love me when I’m sad because the fact is I can’t do this on my own. Even if I say I can, I know deep down I can’t. And I don’t want to do it all alone which is what I’ve been doing for the past 18 years of life I’ve had.

So please, if you’re gonna love me when I’m happy and sweet and spilling I love you’s out like it’s your name then you’re gonna have to love me when I’m on my bathroom floor crying, to tired to move, scared of what I’ll do.

You’re gonna have to hold me. You’re gonna have to tell me it’s gonna be okay even if you don’t think it is. You’re gonna have to tell me that even in this mist of sadness that I have you. That I’m not alone even though I feel like I am 99% of the time.

So please, please, please be careful with my heart. It’s been broken so many times and sure I’ve always put it back together but my kindness is growing weaker with every I love you that is met with a “goodbye, you weren’t enough.”

So all I ask is think. Please think for a good 10 minutes of this, if I’m what you want. If you can handle this. If you choose to stay I promise I’ll love you the same each day. I promise I’ll love you when you are down about life and I promise I’ll love you when you are so joyful that it hurts to smile because you’ve been doing it all day. I promise I’ll love you with everything I have which isn’t much but I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m enough.

So when you figure everything out let me know. I’ll be waiting.