Hardest Satnight in My Entire Life

I want you to know that it is not always easy to love me. In fact, it’s probably never easy to love me. Not even for a second, I’m hard to love.

Cause sometimes my heart fills with so much emptiness that it’s hard to breath. And sometimes my mind wanders out to the extreme and brings back emotions I thought would be gone.

My point is I’m not easy to love, and if you can’t love me when I don’t talk to you for three days because I’m just so depressed that getting out of bed is hard then you are not fit to love me. If you can’t love me when I’m warm and happy at 2 pm then you can’t love me when I’m cold and harsh at 4 am. I need a lover who knows how to love me when I’m sad because the fact is I can’t do this on my own. Even if I say I can, I know deep down I can’t. And I don’t want to do it all alone which is what I’ve been doing for the past 18 years of life I’ve had.

So please, if you’re gonna love me when I’m happy and sweet and spilling I love you’s out like it’s your name then you’re gonna have to love me when I’m on my bathroom floor crying, to tired to move, scared of what I’ll do.

You’re gonna have to hold me. You’re gonna have to tell me it’s gonna be okay even if you don’t think it is. You’re gonna have to tell me that even in this mist of sadness that I have you. That I’m not alone even though I feel like I am 99% of the time.

So please, please, please be careful with my heart. It’s been broken so many times and sure I’ve always put it back together but my kindness is growing weaker with every I love you that is met with a “goodbye, you weren’t enough.”

So all I ask is think. Please think for a good 10 minutes of this, if I’m what you want. If you can handle this. If you choose to stay I promise I’ll love you the same each day. I promise I’ll love you when you are down about life and I promise I’ll love you when you are so joyful that it hurts to smile because you’ve been doing it all day. I promise I’ll love you with everything I have which isn’t much but I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m enough.

So when you figure everything out let me know. I’ll be waiting.

I Feel

I feel like my life right now is like something out of a novel. A movie. Tv series. Anything that has sweet boys you inevitably fall for in it. Because you're here—you're always here since ever. It's funny how we happened. I'd touch your hand with mine that's so much smaller than yours and then you'd intertwine our fingers and laugh at how easy it is to trap my body in your arms. I'd just laugh along, because yes, it's too easy to trap me in you. You'd say my name again and again every time silence conquers what little space we have in your room and after the fifteenth time you'd laugh at yourself, saying "How many times now have I said your name?" I'd just shrug and you'd hold me so much tighter—I'd think I'll break. I won't though. You don't break me—you have soft hands that tend to create thing. You'd heal me. Make something new, something healthier, better, out of my shattered pieces.

Have you ever?

have you ever encountered a soul so beautiful, you cried everything out of yourself rethinking life and asking yourself what did you do to deserve something this wonderful?

have you ever met someone that feels so much like light and warmth and home that their presence feels like a resemblance of everything you've ever needed in your life?

have you ever met a heart so pure, that yours break every time it does?

have you ever met someone so kind yet so underrated they think you're a blessing while actually they're better than anything you could ever asked for, to the point that you think of ways to show them that when they thought you were a blessing, it was never you, it's always been the reflection of their own self in the form of someone else?

i have.

and i think this person deserves so much more than anything this world could ever offer.

"Friends can break your heart too."

It's true. Having your heart broken is not always about the romantic relationship. Having a best friend includes spending hundreds even thousands of days together. Maybe you have same favorite songs, or same taste in food, or same favorite movies, or anything. It makes the bond stronger. 

But somehow, we all know that reality eventually will fuck us. Things does go wrong, somehow. And sometimes, there are things that are out of control. Fate, destiny? I don't know. What I know is, no matter how long you have build the relationship, if someone was meant to leave, they will leave. 

The hardest thing is, it is so fucking hard to accept that you can't talk to them anymore. There is this thing inside human that is known as ego. You don't want to let go, but you won't tell them. Because you are scared that it might seem like it is your fault, that the reason is you–they leave. 

Not just that, not just the unacceptance. Not just sadness. But anger, you are mad because remembering that all those time, you were always there and in just one reason? boom. Everything disappear. Yet the memories will always haunt you for a long long time. 

Until you move on. 

Indeed my friend, friends will break your heart too. And it's worst. 

[PROMISES TO SELF]

1. I will consider my feelings. If I cannot feel my feelings, I will write about it until I can figure out what’s going on, or until my hands lock. Whatever comes first.

2. I will make me time. I will not always expect other people to be there, on demand, to fill the gaps of my life.

3. I will work at making my alone time restful, enjoyable, and rewarding.

4. I will not go out and try to get to know people in only a romantic/sexual context. I will not eroticize their person until their sexuality in terms of my pleasure is the only thing I desire, and wish to learn nothing else. I will see people as whole.

5. I will dress how I want, and work on not letting my thoughts of how people perceive my gender, sexuality, or beauty affect this.

6. I will not try and control the life of another. I will try to be a support, I will try to give advice if asked, I will try to be a friend, but I will not try to control another autonomous beings’ decisions from afar using coercion, guilt, or any other form of manipulation.

7. I will stand up for myself when I am criticized, because I am a smart, friendly, compassionate, hot bitch. However, I will not always ignore criticisms, because I make mistakes and criticism can help me recognize that, and I will learn and grow from it.

8. I will be accountable for my words and my actions. I will try to think about what I say before I say it, and what I do before I do it.

9. I will be accountable to myself, yet still kind. I will kick my ass into shape when I need to, then congratulate and rest when it is time.

10. I will take the time to care for myself. I will constantly relearn how to care for myself, because I am always changing, and that is okay.